I’m an East Asian girl dating a Desi boy (which is already an imperfect beginning to those who know Asian parents and politics).
My Desi boyfriend also has had vitiligo since age 6 (now face/limbs/chest/genitals depigmented ~30% of total body surface area). I don’t have vitiligo.
As we’ve been together for 5 years and grown close, he brought up marriage. Understandable, as he is 4 years older than me and we’ve both gone through professional/graduate school, so nobody is getting younger! We’re both financially comfortable and enjoy each other, so marriage would seem like the next step. And he just got me a 1ct diamond ring – which I haven’t yet accepted because...
My parents don’t approve and have told me over 3 big arguments and multiple smaller ones that I can’t marry him because of his vitiligo. Their arguments are:
1) Vitiligo is associated with other autoimmune diseases (like diabetes, lupus, thyroid problems, which can be life-threatening – e.g. see the comment by Sand on November 24, 2009 at 4:36pm at http://www.vitiligofriends.org/forum/topics/depression-2?commentId=690521%3AComment%3A30954)
2) Vitiligo can be passed on to the kids (studies say up to ~30-40%)
3) Vitiligo is stigmatizing to him and by association to me.
4) Vitiligo’s associated life-threatening diseases could kill him off prematurely leaving me and/or me+kids.
I love my boyfriend, but facts are facts. I had few if any worries about his vitiligo for the first few years we were together, but I do worry more now after repeatedly hearing my parents' fears about his vitiligo.
The really sad thing is: due to my parents rejecting our relationship, I’ve just been carrying on dating my boyfriend without telling them.
Now that my boyfriend has proposed, what would you do if you were in my shoes?
From browsing through the forum, I can see you guys are really wise. Hopefully you have some insight that can help.
Thanks for your time.
Replies
To NY: my bf's mom and maternal grandfather have thyroid problems and his paternal grandfather had probable vitiligo (was not formally diagnosed)
Out of curiousity, does his parents (or other family members) have vit ?
Because, vit is so unpredictable. differs from family to family, person to person etc. Vit is known to skip generations. For example, I see 2 or 3 families very routinely pretty much every week. Parents and child have vit. I also know and hear about dozens of cases where there was no previous family history.....it's so weird.
1) Vitiligo is associated with other autoimmune diseases.
I think the best way to categorize Vitiligo is a minor autoimmune disease whereas Type 1 diabetes, Lupus, Graves disease and the like would be major autoimmune diseases - where with these you have to depend on constant medication to live.
Yes, people with Vitiligo are more likely to have thyroid issues, but those cases are rare and when in conjunction with medication you're able to live a normal life. I take one pill a day and for the most part I feel fine.
2) Vitiligo can be passed on to the kids (studies say up to ~30-40%)
From what I read it's not necessarily passed on to kids but genetic cases are rare 25% at most and of those, there is a family history of it. There is no family history of Vitiligo in my family, auto-immune diseases - yes, but no family history of vitiligo.
3) Vitiligo is stigmatizing to him and by association to me.
True, but who isn't stigmatized by something in their life? There will always be someone richer, more powerful, more beautiful, etc... than any one of us. You've been with him for five years thus it can't be that big a deal for you.
4) Vitiligo’s associated life-threatening diseases could kill him off prematurely leaving me and/or me+kids.
I certainly wouldn't worry about this. We aren't promised tomorrow and at any time accidents happen. The diagnosis of Vitiligo isn't a death sentence.
You have to decide if you're going to let your parents influence cement your decision against your relationship. They wouldn't be the ones married to him, you would! As you stated, they already have a problem with him being Desi. I can certainly understand, my mom's side of the family is Chinese, my father's is not. Her older half sister was forbidden to marry her Japanese boyfriend when she was young so she married a Chinese man who was kind and they had a children and a long marriage and after he passed, she searched for her old boyfriend. She found him, rekindled the friendship and they ended up getting married. As each generation passes, both sides of my family are becoming more and more mixed.
What really concerns me is that I would certainly hate for someone to date me for five years and then decide because of my medical issues that they don't see me as part of their future. It makes me think of this quote: "Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, and don't put up with people that are reckless with yours."
— Kurt Vonnegut
Who does not have one health condition or the other? All dat u pointed out are part of life, u may marry someone without Vitiligo who may suddenly be diagnosed of a strange ailment, what do you do then, leave d man and move on to another or go to ur parents for their opinion.
I am currently in a relationship with a man without Vitiligo, can imagine being with him for long only for him to come up with all the excuses u've listed here.
If you are in Love with Desi, u wouldn't be writing us for advice.