That's it, I just gave up. No point looking for a relationship when you are going to be turned down for superficial reasons. I figured it's much better to do my own thing and let guys pursue their meaningless flings year after year, drink themselves to death and be surprised or thoroughly bored when nothing works out at the end. Obviously just being a good interesting person doesn't work, neither being in shape and independent, apparently one must be nearly perfect or keep an outstanding pretension at all times but I'm too honest for that and nobody cares.. There's absolutely no social incentives or reward for making positive changes and giving back to society only if you are already on a high status you will find yourself surrounded with more friends, more money, more lovers, praise, ect but for people like us things seem to stay the same.
Please don't tell me this is untrue or unreal. I have been figuring out life, gaining more wisdom, breaking my head really embracing my self just as I am and helping others along the way while people my age do nothing but get wasted, and care about nothing and of course they have more social rewards "just because" our society encourages idiotic behavior and put down those who give a damn.
Anyone else seeing through the system?
Edit : Everyone in this post talks about how men have never been mean to them, or how a bunch of vitiligo women found a man regardless, I would like to know how they became so lucky !Well this morning as soon as I got out of the car, a guy at my university looked at my vitiligo arms and laughed, I looked at him with an angry face and pretended to look away. This is the treatment I get from men in Miami everyday. I wish I had more of a rational explanation but no, they are looking at my spots, they are looking at me and it hurts that at this age all I have ever known from men is rejection and bullying for this reason I just ceased looking for a partner and let him come to me if he wants to!
Replies
wow I know how you feel .My worst fear is some one staring or laughing at me.I don't know what I would of done.As for giving up on dating don't get sad about that. There are millions of people in the world and one day you will find the one for you.
I can totally relate. I've been so turned off from dating so much that I barely go out of my way to look at females, let alone talk to them. This also has spilled over into just my normal life. Nice I was young, I have been a relatively sociable person, able to start conversations with anybody like it was normal, unfortunately that isn't the case anymore. Now I barely even talk to family.
Hi Mersi,
I can completely understand your discouragement, and though I am much older than you, I am also single and feel insecurity when dating, and just being in public, because of having vitiligo. I have learned, however, that most people have something they feel is a flaw - perhaps they are overweight, bald, or short, have a lower status job, or some area in which they feel insecure. When I was a younger woman, before I developed vitiligo, I doubt that I would have considered dating somebody who had a noticeable difference, and that was because of my own insecurity and lack of understanding of what makes a good relationship. Thankfully, with age comes some wisdom, and I know better now.
Perhaps in part because of the difficulties you have faced in your life, your maturity is greater than many of your peers. Our culture does encourage superficial thinking when it comes to relationships, and so I'm sure you're finding that you're sometimes "turned down for superficial reasons". I honestly think that happens all the time in dating, and not just to those of us who have a visible physical challenge. But I hope you will hold on to your belief that being a good and interesting person is most important, and remain confident in who you are, knowing that anyone who doesn't feel that way would not be a good match for you. You might find this YouTube video of a young woman with vitiligo reassuring or inspiring, as I did. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUPOfvKwpD4
Those of us with vitiligo have an opportunity to learn that people are much more than their appearance, and though it's hard, and I wish every day that I had "normal" skin, I'm grateful for the community and encouragement that this site provides. I wish you the best and admire your courage in posting.
Criss
Mersi,
I've been there, so I know how you feel. I gave up a while back because a lot of guys are assholes and focused on superficial shit. When I had stopped looking I met a wonderful man 4 years ago who liked me for me. We are now engaged to be married. Don't give up. There is someone out there that is God's perfect match for you.
You are beautiful, I'd invite you for coffee if you weren't on a different continent :) Things sound different in the USA, in the UK I work in a university and see a lot of young girls with vit who have boyfriends and are happy, you've probably just run into a lot of superficial shallow people, there's always someone out there.
I'm older and never had a man even ask me what my spots are. Most of the guys I've had relationships with, I was the one that ended it, just because they were idiots. The only time I was asked, was my grandkids asked recently and they still hug me and kiss me! I've had it for so long that I don't even think about it. Sometimes someone will look at me for like a few seconds longer than they should and my first thought is "do I have a booger?" I think you have to stop thinking about it. I know easier said than done. Like I said, vitiligo has been with me a long time so it's no big deal to me.
Your vitiligo is just part of you like all the other parts of you. Step back and take a broader view of yourself and all the things you have achieved in life, be proud of who you are, your life and your story. I totally get what you say, it is sometimes demoralising to be surrounded by ppl who are consumed by image and status but don't let their insecurities become your insecurities ! I have it over most of my body - I have definitely felt better since getting fitter and gettin som sexy time - eg doing things that make you FEEL sexy, confident. Dance, clothes, yoga, music, movies whatever. Keep that switched on because that confidence radiates and attracts ppl far more than a perfect (spray) tan lol. Your energy and passion for your own beliefs is more powerful than your skin and more interesting than being a sheep following everyone thru the system. Vitiligo can be our asset and path to success and not obstacle. I truly believe this! xxxxxxx. Love love
Stay positive and try and keep getting out to meet some ppl at different activities than you're used to. If will happen and you'll be so glad you did keep trying new things
I've had vitiligo for 6 years and in those 6 years i have never had a problem with finding a boyfriend or someone to date. I broke up with my boyfriend last year, (yes i broke up with him) and gave up dating because my self esteem isn't necessarily high right now due to vitiligo, although my ex boyfriend's never had a issue with my vitiligo, i always have and it made me a not so great person to be around because i would get moody and depressed. This past June this guy started talking to me, he was more like a acquaintance for the past 2 years, i would say hello to him every now and then but i didn't really know him well. Anyway in the past 3 months him and I have gotten pretty close, and yeah i even talked to him about my vitiligo, interestingly enough he already knew what it was- not by name but he knew it involved patchy skin and guess what? he still loves me, and this was even after finding out about my skin condition. I get insecure now and then and ask him if my vitiligo truly doesn't bother him (granted he hasn't seen it yet) and he always says no, he told me i could have horse poop on my face and he would still kiss me (he is kinda a jokester). My plan however is to take control of my life and depigment my skin, yes that's a rather personal choice that I have thought about for 3 years now and that's what makes me happy so i figure, why not? I told him my plan and he tells me he will love me no matter what color i am, he even thinks i might look even more beautiful with fair skin. My point here is that if I could find someone that accepts me with vitiligo, why cant you? My boyfriend is no ugly, desperate guy either- he is very tall and attractive and could have another girl easily if he wanted to, but he saw all my good personality traits beyond my skin, he loves that i can make him laugh, he loves my humor and sarcasm, he loves that i care about him a whole lot. If I would have kept my negative attitude and immediately turned him down because I "assumed" he would be just another superficial jerk, I would have never gotten to know him as well as i do now and he wouldn't be my boyfriend. I don't mean to sound insensitive or rude but in life we mostly get what we "dish out" so to speak- if you wanna have a negative attitude and judge everyone by the actions of a few shallow jerks, then of course no one's gonna wanna date you- why would they?
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